HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS > SEX, PLEASURE and FLIRT : recent studies
Source : https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/tips/a811/first-time-sex/
9 Must-Read Tips for First-Time Sex
By Hayley MacMillen
Sep 7, 2017
No. 4 can change everything.
The first time you have sex with someone — or sex at all — is a deeply individual experience. “Sex” means different things and comes with different emotions from person to person (and from hookup to hookup, TBH). That said, there are a handful of insights that can make your first time having vaginal sex comfier, more communicative, and more pleasurable, which are pretty universally great things for sex to be. Here are nine first-time pointers, with advice from sex therapist Vanessa Marin.
1. Being safe can actually relax you.
Nothing is more distracting than worrying about STIs and pregnancy during sex. Even if it feels awkward, it is so, so, so important to chat with your partner beforehand about what you’ll do to protect yourselves. Use a condom even if you’re on another form of birth control to protect you both from STIs unless you are both monogamous with each other and STI-free (check out local clinics like Planned Parenthood for free/affordable testing).
2. Enthusiastic consent is a prerequisite for everything you do.
“Make sure you enthusiastically consent to each and every thing the two of you do together,” Marin says. “‘Enthusiastic’ is a key part of that sentence. Don't just go along with something; make sure you're excited about it.” Remember that just because you start an activity — for example, intercourse — you don’t have to finish or continue it: You have the right to pause or stop whatever it is. No. Matter. What. Same goes for your partner, of course: Check in with each other as things progress to make sure you’re both enthusiastic about what you’re doing.
3. Remember to breathe.
A big part of enjoying sex is focusing on the sensations you’re feeling instead of, for example, your nervousness (which is totally common to feel your first time, even if you know you’re ready to have sex). “Deep breathing is a fantastic way to let go of distracting thoughts,” Marin points out. As you’re taking those deep breaths, focus on how different parts of your body are feeling and how your partner’s body feels against yours — not just the obvious part (penis in vagina) but their fingers in your hair, hands on your hips, whatever it is.
4. Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay. Did I mention foreplay?
The more aroused you are, the better sex is likely to feel, so don’t neglect foreplay — including oral sex, manual sex, and, yes, good, old-fashioned kissing. “You're more likely to orgasm from oral sex or fingering,” Marin says, “so resist the temptation to think of these activities as the things you do before moving on to the ‘main event.’” Whether or not you do orgasm the first time you have sex, clitoral stimulation is the key to most women’s pleasure, and vaginal intercourse doesn’t usually provide very much of it.
5. Caring about your partner’s pleasure matters more than your technique.
It’s natural to worry that you won’t be “good” in bed your first time, but trust: what matters most is that you are invested in how your partner feels and vice versa, and that you two are communicating about it. "A lot of people get anxious about sexual performance, but perhaps the best quality in a lover is enthusiasm,” Marin says. “If you're genuinely enjoying pleasuring him, he'll notice it, and he'll have a lot more fun too." Simple questions like, “How does that feel?” and, “Do you like it when I [fill in the blank]?” give your partner a chance to express appreciation for what you’re doing or (gently) ask for something a little different. (As well as prompt them to ask you the same questions!)
6. Feedback is not the same as criticism, so don’t hesitate to give it.
A common concern is that if you tell your partner something doesn’t feel good — or something else would feel better — they’ll feel attacked. But if they care about your pleasure, they’ll be happy to hear how to help you feel it. In the moment, it can be hard to figure out what exactly you want, so it can be helpful to talk after the fact about what you enjoyed, what you could do without, and what you’d like to try next time. And if you don’t have an orgasm, don’t feel pressure to pretend to have one. Think of orgasming not as your responsibility but as a fun goal to work toward with your partner(s), together.
7. Lube is your friend.
Using lube sometimes gets a bad rap as a sign that you’re not turned on enough, but even if you and your body are saying “OK, let’s do this!” a little lube can make sex so much more pleasurable. Another benefit of using a water- or silicone-based lube with a condom (avoid oil-based lube, which can degrade latex) is that less friction means the condom is less likely to tear.
8. Your partner’s penis might not do everything the two of you want.
Whether premature ejaculation, a limp penis, or inability to orgasm strike, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with your partner or you failed them somehow. Comfort with a new partner often takes time and communication, and that goes for both men and women.
9. Temper your expectations.
Teen movies and TV shows sold us a pretty unrealistic vision of what having sex for the first time looks like. It’s always perfectly choreographed and mood-lit and romantic, and ends in an implied simultaneous orgasm. As if. Don’t expect fireworks the first time you have sex — sex is messy and human and flawed and often awkward whether it’s your first time or your thousandth. It’s the practice and the exploration that make sex fun.
Source : https://www.askmen.com/dating/dzimmer_150/161_love_answers.html
Sex Positions For Virgins
The first time can be overwhelming — it’s a big deal, emotionally and physically, and so it may be a good idea to avoid, at least to begin with, getting too complicated or fancy.
But a big part of the equation is simply her getting comfortable. That, as her partner, is your job as well. Being nervous can tense her up and make the big first night fall flat before it even starts. No one wants either of you to be experiencing anything other than excitement and pleasure, and the first time can and should bring all that. “Don’t start at the far end of the Kama Sutra!” says Carol Queen, Ph.D. Good Vibrations staff sexologist. Also consider waiting on the positions that allow the deepest penetration (like legs-over-the-shoulders missionary). This is her first time at bat, you can get to the fancy stuff later.
But most of all, a virgin ought to be very aroused before penetration (this is true of any and all intercourse, pretty much, but especially first time). So, no quickies. No wham-bam in the van. This is about making the effort. The reason why: “Arousal causes the genitals to undergo physical changes that make insertion feel better. Insufficient arousal will probably equal pain with intercourse, and this is not a good way to begin a partnered sex life; some women never get over the experience of having a painful loss of virginity,” says Queen. The turn-on is the single most important element of this night (besides consent), and if the turn-on is high, the choice of sex positions may not matter quite so much.
While we’re at it, it’s important to note that “virginity” is a subjective and cultural term. “For many North Americans, ‘virgin’ often refers to those who have yet to have experienced penile-vaginal penetration; however, this is a very limiting definition, as many people (e.g. gay men, lesbian women, women who don’t enjoy penetration, but engage in other activities) have active sex lives in the absence of P-V penetration. They’re obviously not virgins,” says Dr. Jess, Astroglide's resident sexologist.
What precedes penetration is likely more important that the positions themselves, as well. “The prelude that will make for a hot experience might include, says Dr. Jess:
- Talking about and coordinating birth control and safer sex practices so you have less to worry about during the sexual experience
- Talking about your likes, dislikes and boundaries with your partner
- Getting riled up (through relaxation, touch, dirty talk, fantasy, toys, etc.) so that you’re highly aroused before penetration. Sex shouldn’t be painful (unless you want it to be, but that’s an entirely different topic), so if it hurts, it’s possible that you need to slow down and work on arousal over penetration.
As for the main act, there’s a lot of directions you can take this which will feel amazing for both of you. And both of you should be having fun, always. “For any of these positions, make sure to start with plenty of foreplay so both partners can ease into penetration. The key to enjoyable first-time sex is preparation. There are several elements of foreplay that will make the first time better, but the most important is lubrication. Performing oral on each other will get you both ready, but still don’t forget to add some lube to the mix!” says Tristan Weedmark, We-Vibe’s Global Passion Ambassador.
couple having sex in missionary positionCarlee Ranger
There’ll be plenty of time to try those fancier, or more gymnastic or athletic positions. The first time, it’s important to ease into the basics. For many couples, the best way to ease into vaginal penetration is this classic position. “Intimacy and eye contact are natural components of sex and in missionary position both partners get to feel comfortable and connected. Because the guy will have more control over the pace, she’ll need to be sure to communicate what feels good,” says Weedmark.
2. Backdoor Planking
couple having sex in backdoor planking position
It may sound like a yoga position — and it sort of is — but this is also a great variant for beginner sex. “Backdoor planking is a modified doggy style that still provides the sensation of having sex from behind without the deep cervical penetration that could feel uncomfortable for a beginner,” says Tyomi Morgan, sex educator/sexuality coach. In this position, the female partner lies on her stomach with two pillows positioned under her pelvis and her partner straddles her legs to position himself closely to her vagina for rear entry. In this position the female partner can lie comfortably while the male partner can access her vagina easily and take things slow while increasing his depth as she gives permission.
couple having sex in spooning position
We love spooning because it lends to intimacy and a deeper connection. Sex in the spooning position makes both partners feel close to each other, and that’s why it’s also great for first time sex when one or both of you may be feeling somewhat nervous. “Penetration is relatively shallow in this position and spooning allows easy access to stimulate her clitoris and breasts. Plus, afterwards you’re in a great position to enjoy a post-sex nap,” says Weedmark.
4. The Butterfly
couple having sex in the butterfly position
Just because you are treading carefully doesn’t mean you can’t experiment a little to find the groove that works for you. That’s part of the fun. And the key to success is that she is very, very turned on. And that means concentrate on sex positions that are geared toward her pleasure, like the butterfly. "I very often suggest [this position] for virgins. She lays on her back with her hips off the bed. Her legs can either be wrapped around his hips, her feet can be flat on the floor or she can have her knees bent up to her breasts. This position allows for her to control the angle of penetration with her hips and both of them have hands free to explore one another and make sure the clitoris isn't ignored. Plus he can control the depth and speed of penetration that works for them both. This position also promotes intimacy through ease of eye gazing and kissing which can be especially important your first time and it promotes communication because you see one another's responses to stimulation,” says Dr. Kat Van Kirk, a licensed marriage and sex therapist, resident sex expert for Adam & Eve.
“One of the best sex positions for virgins is the butterfly for sure,” agrees Mauro D'Andrea of Efficacious Seduction. This position allows you to stay in control, keeps both of your hands free and doesn't stimulate you too much; all great things for a virgin. If she is enjoying herself, you will as well.
5. Girl On Top
couple having sex in cowgirl girl on top position
Girl on top positions are always a winner — especially if you like to get a great view. However, it’s also a great way to let her control the pleasure and how things proceed, and allows for endless modifications. “When the girl is on top, it gives her the ability to control how deep and fast she is penetrated,” says Weedmark. Remember, it’s all about comfort! The guy, meanwhile, will enjoy taking in the view.
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